This week at Southwind has been fun and light (for the most part) and certainly beautiful. It has brought more joy than you can imagine to watch My Love on stage again, embodying these silly characters who play a part (through laughter) in bringing the Gospel to kids. It is a place where he is right at home, where he is gifted, where his God-given talents are put to good use.
I have been content to enjoy the downtime this trip has afforded me. I have read at leisure, napped without guilt, sung "Sweet Home Alabama" unabashedly at the top of my lungs.
But tonight I find myself in a moment of self-pity. A moment of feeling lost. A moment of feeling purposeless.
Oh, who am I kidding? Many moments.
You see, out of the all the wives here on this mini-"Assigned Team" for this week of camp, I am distinctly left out. I do not have children. I don't have a nose to wipe, a hand to hold, an active body to entertain, a diaper to change, a hungry mouth to feed. I am most definitely not a member of The Mommy Club.
Now, here me when I say THAT IS OKAY. I am not ready for kids just yet and am more than content to be Lulu to about a dozen of my friend's children scattered from North Carolina to California. I'm not aching for one of my own yet and, I'll be honest, there's been several screaming bouts among the kids here that have made me more than grateful that I could just trot off to my room and continue reading the Michelle Obama article in Vogue.
Oh yes, there are definite perks to the no-kids-yet thing.
But, all the same, I am left out. I can't fully engage in the parenting conversations. After all, disciplining my dog isn't the same as teaching a small child appropriate boundaries. Sharing stories about how Debbie and Carlye have done it with their Many Small Children don't really count as my stories.
So, tonight, I'm not really sure where I fit. I'm not going to dwell on it for too long of a time. In about a half hour I will get to go watch the "opera" that features the crazy fool I married almost three years ago.
I can read this and this over and over again to remind me of the place where I am known best.
And in a couple of days, I will be back in Chattanooga with a renewed eagerness to pursue new friendships with some women with whom I have a bit more in common at this stage in my life.
Yes, that makes me feel just a bit less lost.
It's a difficult thing to be at a different stage in life than those surrounding you. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteAw I'm sorry you felt that way this week. Sometimes I feel the same way (but opposite) because I DO have a baby girl and the rest of my friends can just flit about doing whatever whenever and i sure can't do that anymore . . . not that I would trade little miss Jayci for anything - no ma'am. I'm just saying, I feel ya.
ReplyDeletehope the trip was great! I'm TELLING you that you should totally have your hubby come do his thing at our camp this summer :-)
As a 37 yr old who was never able to have kids... I live my life in that stage... get the looks of "What's wrong with her"... its very sad to me that other women tend to do that to a fellow woman... I dont know why we put "labels" on each other...makes me all very sad...
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet girl. You've got a place Right Here. It is hard to be in a different place than those around you. Don't I know it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes moms are blinded by snot only to leave their manners hidden under a pile of laundry. So sorry you've been down...I bet tomorrow will be better:)
ReplyDelete:) You're wonderful, Leslie!
ReplyDeleteBeen there. Felt that.
ReplyDeletePlenty of time - and you know that. Enjoy this time just being you and being married. Hang in there!!