Turns out maybe Clairee didn’t have the right idea after all.

Today was not a good day. It was a very hard day. I came home from work feeling defeated and useless and oh so like a failure. Please understand, this isn’t a cheap plea for comments that will build me up. On most days I know I’m pretty dang great. Even if I didn’t, I have a husband who will remind me of that. Even tonight, he didn’t let the lies that felt like truth stay around for long.

He also finished making dinner which, let’s be honest, is sometimes exactly what a girl needs.

But it’s almost five hours later and the emotions that dominated my day are still lingering. You see, I spend the majority of my work days in a climate that is…difficult. Criticism {sometimes out in the open but mostly spoken behind people’s backs}, judgment, gossip and unreasonable expectations are the norm rather than the exception. I didn’t notice it at first. I was still in the honeymoon phase of being overjoyed at being back in the classroom. Slowly but surely, though, I realized that the normal lunch conversation {and break time conversation and after school conversation and…} was to criticize, criticize, criticize. Students, parents, each other, our headmaster- you name it, it’s free game.

And I joined in.

As much as it sickens me to admit that, I have to. I’ve spent my fair share of time critiquing everyone and everything. I haven’t wanted to. But it’s the age old problem: if everyone around you is doing it…well, let’s just say that peer pressure doesn’t end after your teen years. So I joined in and it has slowly but surely made me absolutely miserable.

To make matters worse, it’s started to seep over into my life outside of the classroom. I haven’t written here or on Facebook or even twittered all that much because of how critical I have felt all the ding dang time. I figure it’s like my mom used to say, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

I don’t like being this person. No, I hate being this person. But I have to deal with what I’m given. I have a classroom full of kids that need a teacher with a better attitude because believe me, when you bitch and moan all day? It shows up in other places. Kids aren’t stupid. They’re intuitive and smart and they deserve the best from me.

So how do I do it? How do I stand outside such a critical environment that certainly isn’t going to change anytime soon? I’m doing my best to not even enter into the conversations. I’m stopping myself from asking the questions that I know will lead to more criticism. I probably need to memorize some Scripture to say to myself at crucial moments. It feels overwhelming. It’s so ingrained in this particular culture that trying to change it seems absolutely futile. I don’t even know that I’m supposed to try and change it.

But I am supposed to act differently.

I’ve taught at another school that has showed me and trained me in a different way. Not perfect, but different. I need to honor that. I want to honor that. I want to honor who God has made me to be and the teacher he has created in me.

I’ll get up tomorrow and try again. I will. It’s going to be really hard and I know I won’t get it right all the time. But I will try.

{This post may self-destruct in a couple of days. I know my blog is private and all but I have no desire to be dooced anytime soon. }