Because, clearly, diets from Us Magazine are always scientific

Wow, clearly, the dieting/lifestyle change strikes a core in a lot of you women out there! And with bathing suit season upon us {pardon me while I change into my muumuu}, why wouldn’t it? I myself will be sporting a darling little one piece that I’m choosing to think of as retro rather than “Oh dear lord, why didn’t I start the lifestyle change two months ago?!”

That line of thought helps me feel sassy and it gives me the perfect excuse to wear my deliciously broadrimmed hat.

Anyhow, my dear cousin and friend, Sarah Jo, mentioned something in her comment that I thought was worthy of further explanation.

“And then I think of that orange juice diet I witnessed you do a few summers ago... :)”

Now this wasn’t simply a diet where I was only allowed to drink orange juice. Oh, no. That would have been lovely compared to what I actually consumed. In the spring of 2005, I was reading an issue of Us Magazine when I came across a detox diet that some nutritionist had used with celebrities like Britney Spears and Pink. The article laid out exactly what you were supposed to do for ten days and it was “guaranteed” to help me lose weight quickly while supposedly giving me more energy.

I think we all see where this is going. It was the words “Us Magazine” that tipped you off, correct?

The main component of this detox was the drink that had to be consumed first thing each morning. It consisted of:

• two oranges
• one lemon
• a small bunch of fresh parsley
• olive oil
• pepper
• ground clove

I blended all this together to make what was perhaps the foulest concoction to ever go in a cup. I literally had to plug my nose in order to get that stuff down and, I’m not going to lie, there was sometimes gagging involved. Poor Sarah Jo, as if the whining of the blender in the morning wasn’t enough.

In addition to The Morning Drink O’ Foulness, I was to consume several ounces of lemon water sprinkled with ground clove throughout the day. My blind devotion to the detox plan even found me willingly consuming V8 three times a day. Yes, I coulda had a V8 but trust me, what I really wanted in those moments was a mint Oreo milkshake from Cook Out.

I refused cupcakes in the teacher’s workroom and ate my allotment of fifteen raw almonds instead. I turned down the absent student’s Chick-fil-A sandwich and ate my measly salad with olive oil dressing.

It was miserable and not even worth the trouble, as it turns out. Sure, I think I lost a few pounds but that quickly came back when I abandoned the detox plan and had the chicken finger platter from Cook Out for three dinners in a row {I know, when I get going on my “I don’t give a crap what I eat” run, I tend to stick to the same carb/fat loaded meal}. I didn’t end up with Britney or Pink’s abs but I guess the detox must have worked on some level because I did feel a little better, a little more clean {or cleaned out, ahem}.

The kicker was a week after I quit, I looked up this nutritionist’s book at Barnes & Noble. Turns out you’re only supposed to follow the detox plan for three days, eat normally for three, and then back on the plan for three days. And you’re only supposed to do that once a month.

My blind trust in Us Magazine has never been the same since.