Monday, August 15, 2011

Do Over

I want one.

I wish I could go back and do high school again.

Because you know what I'd do? I'd be less afraid.

I'd be less afraid of what people think. I would love my body exactly the way God made it (short waist and all) and not be so hung up on fitting into some mold that I was never going to be. I wouldn't be afraid to be passionate and theatrical and bold. I would sing loudly (well, louder than even back then) and I wouldn't brush off the compliments about my voice. I would pursue theatre wherever, whenever I could. I would be funny and kooky like I was made to be instead of trying so dang hard to be cool all the time.

Cool is so subjective.

I went to see the "Glee" movie tonight. And yes, I'm probably riding on some sort of red slushie, pop music, Broadway show tunes kind of high, but I don't care. Because that kind of high, the one I get from unabashed singing and dancing, is a high I need more of in my life.

I loved watching them dance around that stage. I loved hearing the real life stories of kids who have been inspired to love themselves just as they are because they watch these characters do that. I love watching these talented young actors. I get goosebumps and I'm jealous because I need to embrace more of who I am.

It's taken me thirty-three years, but I am more comfortable in my body than I have ever been. I am more comfortable with who I am- loud, silly, dramatic, passionate, vocal, creative- than I have ever been. This is who God created me to be and I love it.

I love the moment when (no spoilers here, it was the same on the TV episode) all the characters come out in t-shirts that proclaim what they have always been ashamed of. They grab hold of that thing, that part of themselves that they need to love and sing the words, "I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way." I mean, I know it's Lady Gaga and cheesy as all get out, but oh, I was born this way.

And I just wish it hadn't taken me thirty-three years to love all of how I was made.

So, yes, I sang along tonight at parts and I danced in my seat and I clapped with (you guessed it) glee when the song that gives me goosebumps was sung and I don't really care anymore if someone stares at me while I do it. Because I need more of that joy and freedom and passion in my life.

So on the drive home, when that amazing new Coldplay song came on, I kept driving even though I was a block away from home. Because it felt like when I was back in high school and I'd be driving down Robinhood Road when that just right song came on and I didn't want to go home yet. When the sky was clear and the air was warm and it felt like that space of summer had been made just for me. I rolled the windows all the way down, I stuck my hand out the window and let the wind catch it and I just felt free.

And I'll be glad to do over moments like that over and over again.


  1. Anonymous10:02 AM

    LOVE IT! I think there is something about your 30s that allows you to finally think about, feel and recognize all of these things! To own just who you are. Only because you are now 33 can you feel so comfortable and only WISH that high school wasn't so painful (which it was for everyone, no doubt)!

  2. I love this. It feels like it takes forever to be ok with who you are. Didn't take you as long as it took me to get there. Thanks for sharing this. I love it because it speaks so loudly to me!

    sweet jimi Mac

  3. allie5:09 PM

    I love that you wrote this. I cried a little. I love the loud, dramatic sister I have!!

  4. What a post! What a night!

    I cannot wait to see that movie.

  5. I love this post.

    You know this, "I am more comfortable in my body than I have ever been. I am more comfortable with who I am.. This is who God created me to be and I love it", about 15 years before I did. That's a credit to both of us!

    I hope you experience the revelation of this day, this gentle nurturing of yourself, again and again and again. Acceptance is key. You are indeed "fearfully and wonderfully made". xo, Marmee

  6. Sweet Leslie, I was reading abby's post today & just had to wander over & read a Southern girl's thoughts! I LOVE your humor & wit (not to mention the fact that I'm just a tad bit jealous of your hair!!!!)I was laughing all the way through your WWIW, but found myself crying as I read your 'do over' post...your words hit spot on with this 51 yr old & I'm sure rang true for SO MANY! I wanted to thank you for your honesty & let you know that you have encouraged me today! I am going to work hard on remembering your words as I go thru each day! (of course, I'm wondering what steve will think when he comes home today & I'm belting out Glee! trust me, people do NOT compliment me on my voice!! :) Anyway, thank you for your honest words...I look forward to more of your sass! I hope your school year is so very blessed! tonja horrell♥

  7. Love this. I told a group of girls on Sunday night that if I had high school to do all over again, I would keep playing the french horn. I hate how much I tried to be cool at the cost what I loved. Lame.

    Beautiful post!


Love me some comments! If you don't have a Google/Gmail ID, please make sure you leave your name and/or email. Also, I moderate my comments so don't be alarmed if it doesn't show up right away. Thanks, y'all!